By The Edge Of The Same Sword
by purplepagoda
Summary: Three women, sitting in a bar. Alex, Casey, and Olivia, drink, and discuss their lives. They talk about relationships, and work. Most importantly, they talk about secrets. Will they reveal their secrets, or live with their lies, forever?
1. Meeting

It was a rare occasion, to have them all together, in the same room. It was even rarer that the three of them could get a moment of peace, away from their demanding jobs. The waitress comes up to them, and takes their orders. When she gets to the third person at the table, the other two turn to look at her.

"Just water," Olivia answers.

The waitress nods, and leaves.

"Just water? We're having girls night out, and you just ordered water?" Casey raises an eyebrow.

"Yes," Olivia nods.

"Why didn't you invite your new partner?" Alex questions.

"I should have thought twice, before coming out with two lawyers. I feel like I'm being interrogated," Olivia responds.

"You're the cop. Seriously, though, why just water?" Casey follows-up.

"I am sure that before the night is over I'll be called into work, and I don't want to be hung-over," she answers.

Alex tries to gauge her facial expression, "I don't buy it, you're lying."

"You don't trust her, do you?" Casey quizzes, focusing on Olivia.

"Trust who?" Olivia furrows her brow.

"Rollins," Alex supplies.

"It's not that," Olivia argues.

"You just don't want to be too welcoming," Casey suggests.

"I thought that we weren't going to talk about work," Olivia replies.

"Have you spoken to Elliott, lately?" Casey wonders, as the waitress arrives with their drinks.

Olivia watches as the waitress places their drinks in front of them. A beer, for Casey, a lager, no surprise. A white wine, for Alex, again, no surprise, although Olivia had on, occasion, seen Alex drink hard liquor. Last, but not least, a water.

She could have attempted to be more discreet, but she was too tired to care. She was tired, of keeping secrets. Her whole life, had been a secret, from the time that she was conceived. She was tired of all the secrets, and lies, that filled her daily life. Just once she wanted to be honest, with others, but mostly, with herself.

"Have you?" Alex wonders.

Olivia looks up at her, she makes eye contact. She glances at Casey, who sips her beer. She answers, innocently, enough.

"Yeah," Olivia nods.

"That's it?" Casey interrogates.

"I talked to him a couple of months ago," Olivia admits.

"On the phone?" Alex furthers the conversation.

"In person," Olivia clarifies, "I saw him out, one night."

"One night?" This peaks Casey's suspicions, "So, what happened?"

Olivia shrugs, "What do you mean, what happened? Nothing. We were partners, for over a decade. We talked, and that was it."

"He's finally divorced, and all you did was talk?" Casey probes.

"What?!" Alex turns, and looks at her.

"It sounds like you've talked to him, since I have," Olivia points out.

"I bumped into him, when I was picking up coffee, one morning," Casey admits.

"I didn't know that he was divorced, he didn't mention that. He said that he and Kathy were having problems, but that was nothing new," Olivia adds.

"He told me that she filed for divorce. He called me for advice. I think that the divorce is almost settled," Casey reveals.

"And how would you know that?" Alex inquires.

"It sounds like you know more of the story, than either of us. Is there something, that you're leaving out?" Olivia questions.

"I am his lawyer," Casey admits.

"Since when do you divorces?" Olivia wonders.

"I volunteered," Casey adds.

"What is the straw that finally broke the camels back? I mean, they always had a rocky marriage," Alex quizzes.

"The fact that he's off the force?" Olivia guesses.

Casey shakes her head, "He is working as a private contractor. He makes more money doing that, than he did as a detective," she answers.

"So, what, then?" Olivia raises an eyebrow.

"She was tired of being lied to. She was tired of looking the other way," Casey replies.

"What are you talking about?" Olivia furrows her brow.

"His affairs," Casey exhales.

"Affairs? As in more than one?" Alex asks, in surprise.

"Apparently, there have been quite a few," Casey tells them.

Alex turns to Olivia, but says nothing, to her. She looks at her drink. "I am sure that the fact that he didn't love her, anymore had something to do with it, too," Alex suggests.

"He stopped loving her a long time ago," Casey agrees, "I think that he was consumed by the fact that the one person he did love, and did want, he couldn't have."

Olivia looks at the two of them, "What? Who?"

Alex looks at Casey. Then they both turn to Olivia, "You," they tell her, in unison.

"Me?"

"What really happened?" Casey pries.

Olivia says nothing. She takes a sip of her drink.

Alex turns to Casey. "She's drinking water. She saw Elliott a couple of months ago. It sounds to me, as if something happened."

Casey nods, "I agree. Something that turned a beer drinker into someone who chooses water."

Olivia reaches for her coat, "I should go."

"Come on," Casey begs.

"I don't want to talk about it," Olivia replies.

"Then maybe you should just listen," Alex suggests.

"To what?" Olivia furrows her brow.

"Let's order a couple more rounds, and see what we can come up with," Casey answers her.

"You're not the only person who has secrets," Alex reminds her.

"We all do," Casey adds.

"Just stay. We don't get the chance to hang out, as human beings, very often," Alex insists.

"No, we spend most of our time together, in capes, as super-heroes, in a court room," Casey jokes.

Olivia nearly smiles.


	2. One Secret

Olivia watches them, silently. The conversation has temporarily lulled, as both of the other women at the table are on their third drinks. The waitress approaches. Olivia, looks away.

"Can I get you ladies another drink?"

"No, thank you," Alex answers for the three of them, well aware that any more alcohol would lead to disaster. The waitress nods, and walks away. Alexandra looks across the table, at Olivia. Between them, on the table, is a bowl of pretzels. Olivia stares at the table, unwilling to make eye contact. Alex elbows Casey.

"Liv?" Casey says softly.

"Hm?" She responds.

"Are you going to talk to us?" Alexandra wonders.

"I don't know what to say," she admits.

"You could start with what happened, when you saw Elliot," Casey suggests.

Olivia doesn't say anything.

Casey turns to Alexandra, "Are you going to address the elephant in the room, or should I?"

Alex says nothing, noticing that Casey's cheeks are bright red. Casey clams up.

"Why are the two of you so curious, anyway? It doesn't matter," Olivia tells them.

"Secrets, aren't good, for anyone," Alex reminds her.

"Everyone has secrets," Olivia retorts.

"I know," Alex answers, empathetically.

Olivia's mind drifts from the conversation.

_August 28th-_

_She stands outside her door. He looks at her, his eyes begging her to let him in. She turns, and unlocks the door. He freezes, before entering the threshold._

_"You should go," she tells him._

_"I know."_

_Her breath hitches, and she can't tell him to leave, again. One look in his blue eyes, after so much time apart, she's no longer in control of her emotions. _

She gets the feeling that she's being stared up. She looks up, and finds Alex, and Casey looking at her, waiting.

"What?" Olivia asks.

"You slept with him, didn't you?" Casey quizzes, aloud.

_August 28th-_

_He kisses her. For a moment, her brain screams at her, reminding her that this is wrong. She pulls away. She looks at him._

_"We shouldn't do this," she points out._

_"I love you," he whispers into her ear, with his hand in her hair, at the base of her skull._

She tries to return her thoughts to reality. She looks at Casey, and realizes that she still hasn't answered. She can find the words to confirm that she has. She just gives a simple nod.

"I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong," Casey chimes in.

Olivia looks at her, questioningly.

"You're feeling guilty," Alex adds.

Olivia nods, "Of course I am."

"You are not the reason his marriage didn't work," Casey reassures her.

"That isn't entirely true," Alex argues, "His marriage didn't work, because he gave up. It didn't work, because he was," she corrects herself, "is a cheater. It also didn't work, because he was in love with his partner."

Casey counters, "The papers were filed in February. Kathy didn't want to have to be with someone, who couldn't be faithful to her."

Alex shakes her head, "He couldn't be faithful, because he wanted to be with Olivia. He always has. Everyone knows that."

Casey exhales, "He chose to be unfaithful with other people."

"It doesn't matter why, or how, does it?" Alex poses the question.

Casey shakes her head, "No. Olivia wasn't to blame."

"Wasn't I?" Olivia wonders.

"That marriage was over a long time ago, and it wasn't your fault. A marriage is between to people. One who wanted to be in it, and one who didn't," Alex tells her.

"I made a mistake," Olivia admits.

"It's ok," Casey promises.

Olivia huffs, "No, it's not. For so many years, I wondered. I questioned everything. I thought that it was what I wanted. I felt I was being punished, and I didn't know why. It wasn't worth it. I didn't want it. I just thought that I did, because I couldn't have it. It's too much. I feel guilty. I don't want to be with him."

"He still wants you," Casey relays.

"I know. He calls, but I never answer. I never return his calls."

"He was your partner for over a decade," Alexandra points out.

"I never should have wanted anything more. I don't want anything more," Olivia reveals.

"But?" Casey raises an eyebrow.

"The things that you want, or think that you do, they never turn out the way that you plan. You wait your whole life for something to happen, and when they do, it's not at all what you expected," Olivia answers.

"So what are you going to do?" Casey asks.

"You both knew about the affairs. Neither of you seemed surprised. How long had you known? Why didn't you tell me?" Olivia responds, with a question.

They avoid eye contact. Casey falls silent. Alex is the first to speak up.

"I have known for a long time. Ten years, I guess. It is not as if he confided in me, but, I always had the feeling, that he wasn't faithful to Kathy. He was just really good at covering his tracks," Alex explains.

"I suspected, for a long time. I never had any proof..." Casey trails off.

"Until you decided to be his divorce lawyer?" Olivia supplies.

Casey shakes her head, "It was before that."

"When?" Olivia queries.

Alex turns to Casey, "We should tell her," she says, in a hushed tone.

"Tell me what?"

"Did you tell him?" Casey inquires, trying to divert Olivia's attention.

"That you're pregnant," Casey maintains eye contact.

"I never said that I was," Olivia reminds her.

"So, you're not going to tell him, and you're not ready to tell us, either?" Casey surmises.

"Do you really think that is plausible, at my age?"

"It's not impossible," Casey furrows her eyebrows.

"Knowing what I do," Alex begins, "I do not think that it is that unlikely."


	3. Confessions of Guilt

"What are you two talking about?" Olivia wonders.

"Several years ago, I found out," Casey begins. "It was after you had gone undercover as an inmate. It was a really tough case, for all of us. A few of us went for drinks," she stops abruptly.

"And?" Olivia raises an eyebrow.

"A few of us had too much to drink. We were trying to drink away the thoughts of the day, of that case," Casey admits.

"And, you saw Elliot leave with someone?" Olivia wonders.

Casey shakes her head, "He shared a cab with me."

"You two don't live anywhere near each other," Olivia points out.

"He wanted to make sure that I made it home, safely," Casey answers.

Olivia doesn't say anything. Casey freezes, afraid to continue.

"Tell her," Alex insists.

"You slept with him?" Olivia guesses.

Casey nods.

"Why are you telling me this? Do you think that it makes me feel better, because it doesn't. If you're trying to empathize, you have no idea what..." Olivia is cut off.

"I do know what you're going through," Casey tells her, reaching into her wallet. She pulls out a picture. She slides it across the table, to Olivia.

Olivia stares at the picture, blankly. She blinks, and then looks to Casey.

She shrugs, "I don't understand."

"Her name is Camille, she'll be four, in January," Casey replies.

Olivia says nothing. She re-examines the photo, of a little girl, with strawberry blonde hair, and big blue eyes.

"She's my daughter," Casey reveals.

"What?!" Olivia looks at Alexandra, "Did you know?"

Alex just nods.

"So, this is for real?" Olivia wonders.

Casey nods, "I don't tell anyone. I found out, after I was censured. I thought that I was better that way. I chose to teach, until I could come back, as an ADA. I got to spend a lot of time with her, the first couple of years, more than I do now."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Olivia questions.

"You didn't ask."

"Alex, you knew, too?" Olivia raises an eyebrow.

"Knew about, Camille?"

"About Elliot, and Casey?" Olivia clarifies.

"Not until she told me," Alexandra replies.

"It was just the once," Casey adds.

"With you," Alex responds, without thinking.

"What do you mean, with her?" Olivia inquires.

"I..." Alex grapples with the right response, "It was more than once. It was a handful of times."

"You said that your boss nearly caught you, one night," Casey points out.

"No," Alex shakes her head, "I got a call, from my boss, it wasn't as if someone walked in on us."

"Still you should have known better, than to do it, in your office," Casey censures her.

"I should have known better, period," Alex retorts.

"Wait, a minute. So, you are telling me, that Elliot had an affair with the both of you?"

"Yes," Casey confirms.

"Why to two of you?" Olivia wonders.

"It wasn't just the two of us. There was Dani, and at least a few others," Casey tells her.

"I never knew. He..."

"You feel as if he betrayed your trust, don't you?" Alex queries.

"Yeah," Olivia admits.

"So are you going to tell him?" Casey repeats her question.

"Did you?" Olivia responds.

"Yeah," she nods, "He sees her once a week."

Olivia looks at Alex, "Would you have told him?"

"No," Alex answers, too quickly.

"You seem very certain about that," Olivia notes.

"I wouldn't have told him. I don't think that I would tell anyone," Alexandra reveals.

"Does she have a child that she's failed to mention, too?" Olivia directs at Casey.

Casey shakes her head, "No."

Olivia looks at Alex, and then to Casey, "Are you sure, because he looks pretty damn, guilty."

"No, she doesn't," Casey answers.

Olivia looks at Alex. Alex says nothing. She wears a pained facial expression. She knows that Olivia will pick up on it.

"When?"

"When what?" Alex exhales, breaking eye contact.

"When did it happen?" Olivia queries.

"The end of two thousand and nine, into the beginning of two thousand and ten. Just after the new year, I broke it off," Alex explains.

"You went to another department, after that," Olivia points out.

Casey turns, to look at Alex. Alex refuses to meet either of their glances.

"Why did you leave SVU?" Casey begs the question.

"I told you," Alex reminds her.

"I know the reason that you told us," Olivia admits.

"It doesn't matter," Alex tries to brush it off.

"You were pregnant?" Casey takes over the questioning.

Alex nods, "It's why I chose to leave SVU. I didn't want to have to face Elliot. I felt guilty for what happened. I was afraid, that what I did would ruin his marriage. Things were awkward between us. I didn't even know what I was going to do, yet. I couldn't risk him finding out. He is not very open-minded. He has his beliefs. I didn't want to have my choices ripped away from me."

"You left SVU, so that you wouldn't feel pressured to make your decision?" Casey reiterates.

"I just wanted it to be mine to make."

"There is nothing wrong with that," Olivia empathizes.

"You know, it feels surreal, sometimes," Casey points out, "I wake up, on Sunday morning, with feet in my face. It's hard to believe that she's really mine. It's hard to think that her father, is someone who we all worked with, but knew so little about. He was good at keeping secrets. I guess, he never lets anyone in, completely."

"Alex, did you tell him?" Olivia tries to satisfy her curiosity.

"No. I never will, either."

"It's a moot point now, isn't it?" Casey asks.


End file.
